The Hybrid Theorist

this would be the last time i would post an entry here... after careful deliberations, i have decided to quit 'the hybrid theorist.'

it's sad letting go of this site that served as my outlet for more than 2 years. through all the exhilariting to the most excruciating, the hybrid theorist has been there to lend a most special companionship.

but it's time to go and move on...

but no worries, i won't stop web blogging. i'm just moving to another web host, a new journal for me.

for my last entry ever, i would post here the story of another farewell to someone that i have loved and nurtured, incidentally also for the past to years.. this is the story of Peng

RAINBOW: In Loving Memory of Peng* (also posted on my new journal)

She turned two last April 7. But frankly speaking, I didn't really know the exact date of her birth. Around April 2002, we found a newly-born kitten with snow-white fur, hazel blue eyes, and short-knotted tail on our shoe rack. That time, I just thought it would be funny to call it Fidel—it, because it was so small then and hard to tell its sex.

She grew a little and then realizing that she was indeed a female, I switched to the obvious female version, Fidele, and then to a more endearing version Fideleng, finally morphed to a shorter Peng.

She is my baby, and even though she bears 6 kittens already, two of which are already full-grown cats, she is still definitely my baby. I refused to acknowledge that she’s an adult cat and that’s why my brother would always remind me and thus modifying her name to Peng-cat. But she’s a baby not because of her age or size; she is because she is my baby.

I once wrote about the demise of our dog Jabbar back in August 2002; I also love him but Jabbar is a family pet; Peng, on the other hand is mine. I took care of her like she’s really my own child. I know that this would probably be one of the poorly-written entries of my life, and pardon me for that, but I’m just in this plainly emotional stage of my life mourning for the lost of a loved one.

Yesterday, was Good Friday, April 9 2002, around 6-7pm, my Peng-cat was haplessly murdered by some unknown, over-speeding vehicle, just outside our front gate. She must’ve laid there for hours since it was barely 10pm when some neighbor’s maid called onto my brother. They didn’t inform me immediately, assuming that I’m already asleep and besides the body was already cold and stiff.

I finished my dinner and feeling a bit tense about the lost of Sacramento Kings, I decided to play with Peng. There she was on our side door, rolling, and curling, attempting to get a nice chin rub. She was lying 3 yards from me and I tried to reach out and grab her like I usually do, but she swayed her head away. I called endearly, “deleng, come here... beybi-rooo...” and realized her whiskers are a bit longer than usual. And that’s when my brother told me bluntly; “Alam mo na—si Fidele, patay na…”

I replied with a meek smile, “joke yan no.” I hurried past to the calendar since I’m becoming so disoriented with my dates lately, I reckoned, ,hindi naman April 1 ha? I spoke once again, “Tang-na—san?” and he just replied devoid of sorrowful emotions probably doesn’t really know how to break the news.

Nasagasaan. Nailibing ko na!

I’m not sure how to react, I felt lost in a quandary, tenderly scratching my head. I snatched the white cat I was just calling who at that instant entered the house and then look at its rear part and to my horror, I saw a pair of testicles. “Si Dao Miming ito!” That is Peng’s eldest, and only living son. Together with all of her kittens that we gave away and the others who are still residing with us; Dao Miming best resembles her mother. He’s got her blue eyes, her curled short tail, although he’s got a tainted black spot on his forehead which his mother did not have, they were almost indistinguishable especially since Peng loves to dirty herself outdoors. Honestly, the only way to tell them apart is to look at their genitals.

I was frustrated; I walked out of the house and asked my brother to accompany me. I don’t know what to do, emotions are flowing on my veins, and thoughts rushing to my head and then it dawned on me when I tapped the body lying below rotten coconut leaves. It was already hard. I really don’t want to look but I had a glance on her face. It seems that she died in a lot of pain. Her teeth are gritted, her nails extended, and there were specks of hardened blood on her face. The truth is I want to grab her and hug her demised body and kissed her like I always do, but I didn’t. Hindi ako nandidiri, hindi ko lang maatim nag ganon na ang itsura niya. She’s my baby, and I could’ve guessed during that short stint that she’s no longer alive.

Although I’m choking in tears while I’m typing this, I wasn’t then. I’m trying not to be emotional like I’m advised by that person who I name my Peng after. I was angry though, and hopeless; I rushed to the neighbor who informed my brother and interrogated her, wishing that she has an idea who could’ve hit Peng and left her to die just like that. But I know it’s a losing battle—nobody would understand how I feel for my baby. To these reckless drivers, the world got far bigger problems to worry about the life of a filthy cat, but to me, it’s an entirely different story. I tried searching for marks of blood on cars of our neighbors but all to no avail. It was a futile effort and even though my mentality then was to bring justice to her death, I’m fully aware that justice would not bring her back.

I sat at the patio despondently waiting for my brother to get a bigger plastic bag to dispose of the body properly; perhaps just for sanitary purposes and when I looked at the heavens, it started to sink in, Peng is dead and just like that, in just a blink of an eye, she’s gone—my baby is gone! My brother proceeds alone to collect the corpse and when I caught a glimpse of the outline of Peng’s body, shit!!! I can no longer control my emotions, I’m sorry—it was just too much. I began shouting curses and howling, and in tears, I rushed to my room and stayed there for an hour.

Just like that, I still can’t believe it. What pains me more is that we were really happy the night before. I swear in Fideleng’s grave that all of these accounts are true. That previous night was rather memorable, not only because it would be the last time that I would carry her and cuddle her like my baby, but because we were singing a song. Go ahead and think that I’m a psycho, but Peng and I frequently sing together. I would just hold her on my lap, facing me, and then I would start singing and she would join me with her soft meows.

That previous, we were singing Southborder’s ‘Rainbow’. It was tough making her cooperate but that time I force her to finish the song with me. I recall gently hitting her face when she struggles to free herself, and then kissing her afterwards. At that time, I just want her to finish the song. I was staring at her blue eyes and she just stared back. I admit that I’m not very familiar with all the lines but I know the chorus by heart and we repeated it so many times. Peng just kept singing after me.

I brought her to the living room where my brother was playing PC. I joked, “Ang liit-liit pa na ng kitten ko!” and I know that it was something that irritates him. “Ang laki na niyan—cat na yan, hindi na kitten.”

“Para sa’kin, baby ko ito lagi. I kissed her on the mouth. “two years old pa lang ito. Baby pa ito!

He just shook his head.

Right now, I still don’t know how to recover. Writing this blog just makes me feel worse and realized how much I love Peng and that haunting grim that I’ll never see her again. I know that my father is also feeling like hell since he loves our pets maybe as much as I do. Besides, he’s really the one who took care of Peng and all of our other cats; he cooks for them, he buys them sardines, he cleans their mess, and all the dirty work regarding pet-keeping. But I know, and maybe he knows that it’s more difficult for me. I only look after Peng, and she’s the only one I treated like mine. The first time Peng was about to give birth, I have to rush her to the vet and confine her for 3 days because she was having a hard time bearing her kitten. However, the kitten turned out to be just an undeveloped placenta which has to be manually removed from her uterus.

I know that it’s not nice of me to say this, but when my brother took me to the corpse, I was still hoping that it’s just Dao Muning (Dao Miming’s twin), or Clone cat. But fate has its plan set.

It’s just that I shared a different bond with Peng and as I said a couple of times already, I treated her like my child. I remember those times she would come and disturb me while I’m studying or grading papers and she unmindfully lay atop my books. I will tell her that I’m busy and I will attend to her as soon as I finish my work but she would be so insistent and rub herself onto me. Most of the time I’m not really that busy so I would heed to her request and toss her some meal from the dinner table; but if I’m really busy, I would order her to wait outside my room until I’m done. And it seems like magic, cause I could spend 2 hours inside and when I come out to pee or have a drink, I’ll find her lying on a rag faithfully waiting for me.

I would then lift her and carry her like baby on my arms, then hug her, then kiss her; acts which my family members object to since Peng is often seen chewing sewer rats, roaches, bugs, all those unclean creatures. I’m not exactly a neat freak but I’m a very sanitary-conscious individual. It’s just that when I start cuddling Peng, it’s as if I’m not cuddling someone filthy nor a disease-causing being but instead I’m cuddling my child. I would even constantly ask her a double-blade question, “Love ba’ko ni Fidel?” From which she would reply with a usual meow, but translates to a yes if decoded in a cat’s language.

I need to end this piece before I cry even more. Curiously enough I’m listening to ‘Rainbow’ right now. It pains me a lot, and I know anyone who’s ever loved in their lives would feel the same way too. If you can just hear us that previous night, I swear, she just kept repeating after me, her blue eyes telling so much, letting me through her soul:

But oh, can’t you see,
that no matter what happens
life goes on and on
so baby just smile
cause I’m always around you and I’ll make you see
how beautiful life is for you and me..
Take a little time, baby
See the butterflies, colors
Listen to the birds that were sent to sing for me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to be
Even if there is pain now
Everything would be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you feel me?
There’s a rainbow always after the rain.”

-mG :(